#2 Making an Assumption Makes….

As I started thinking through the top 26 Things I have learned about God, Husbands, and Kids, I realized that one very common action can negatively impact each of those three relationships, and really ALL relationships. Lots of people get stuck and feel discouraged when they start making assumptions. The tricky thing about assumptions is that they usually come about from a legitimate experience. This may seem like a Captain Obvious observation, but I think assumptions are so subtly dangerous that I hope you will humor me to consider how assumptions could be blocking you from a stronger relationship with God, a better marriage, and more meaningful relationships with your entire family.

Lucky for you and not so much for me, I have a recent example.

Almost a decade ago, during me lecturing our daughter as an eighth or ninth grader, she replied with a little teenage sass that I needed to “work on my verbal efficiency.”  While it was disrespectful, I had to admit that it was also funny. It has become a phrase I have repeated about myself and in other contexts countless times. Fast forward to this Christmas, and Chris and I were on a walk and talking about all sorts of things. As we got to one topic, I began a little bit of a monologue as I externally processed a decision we were considering. Chris’s reaction wasn’t what I expected, so I replied with a pretty defensive comment, saying I bet he “wanted me to work on my verbal efficiency.” It wasn’t my best move, but we have all been there.

What Chris said next opened my eyes to the power of assumptions. Chris said, “You told me a few months ago how much that comment has started to bother you, so I have been really intentional the last few months not to say that.” Hmm. He was right. What had started as a joke had gotten old, and it had started to bother me because it took the joy out of just having conversations and thinking out loud when I started to feel compared to the efficiency of a podcast on double speed. So, my little snip back to Chris really had nothing to do with our present conversation. I had just assumed that, because he had made those comments in the past, they must be his thoughts and his heart in the moment. All the while, he had actually been trying to honor me by intentionally changing his ways.

In a later blog, I can address the ways we accidentally label people or use what they call in the business world “institutional memory,” but the truth is that Chris had been intentional in changing his words, and I made an assumption about what he was thinking and feeling. 

It is the norm to react in the moment and make assumptions, but if I could give you wisdom, I would make a best practice to ask questions with a heart of curiosity rather than making assumptions, which would allow healthier communication and room for people to grow. How do you break old habits? Start by asking the Lord to bring that awareness to you, so you can think and ask questions in the moment. And in healthy relationships, share this concept with the other person, partner together, and give each other permission to help see in real time where one of you might be stepping into an assumption.

(Psst ... A code word goes a long way!)