#3 Are You on Relational Autopilot?
Long ago and far away, things took time. Preparing food took time. Saving up for a house down payment took time. Learning what was happening in other parts of the world took time. Even planning a vacation took some time. Crazy to imagine now that we can use our phones to order groceries, pay bills, check the news, schedule a time to pick up a meal ready to eat, and even apply for a loan. A quick list of parameters, and Ai can plan your dream vacation for you.
We enjoy the convenience, but somehow accidentally expect relationships to apply to this world of continuously evolving shortcuts. Most families, big or small, fall into a similar pattern. The house is quiet, and then chaos begins to emerge as everyone tries to complete the necessary preparations so they can head out the door for the day. Most conversations are practical and factual. I can hear myself talking to Chris as we are getting ready in the morning, “What time will you be home? Do you want anything to eat before I head out? (Don’t get excited, a C4 energy drink or a bagel are the options.) Can you stop by the store and grab something? Did you ever hear from…”
During the day, we exchange a few texts with the people we love. Then, depending on how far our homes are from all our evening activities with our children, friends, and spouses, we might end up crossing paths again for a few minutes before round two starts. Given your season of life, round two might be a child’s practice, running to the gym, or checking on an aging parent. In an ideal world, everyone circles back, enjoys a meal together, and has some meaningful conversation. In reality, that happens three or four nights a week in our house.
Amid all this good stuff, we accidentally fall into relational autopilot. We assume how our spouse and children feel and what they need, read between the emojis in texts, and keep on trucking. By accident, we live in a world of relational assumptions.
How do we avoid this trap? I want to encourage you to be intentional. We must be relentless in protecting time for meaningful conversation with those we love. A date night and a Sabbath are great times to ask some deeper questions and to check in with those we love. But I advise you to even consider carving out another time so you don’t make your date night always a serious, though meaningful, conversation.
When was the last time you asked questions that explored changes going on in their work, school or seasons in your family? We miss an opportunity to love intentionally if we assume our spouse never changes and we know what they need. Each season of life brings unique challenges and opportunities. And even if everything this year feels and looks the same as last year, I can’t imagine a husband or wife who would not be grateful for a spouse asking, “What do you need more from me in this season?” Or “As we look ahead to some upcoming changes, what is a way that we can tackle it well together?” Sometimes our spouse won’t even have had an opportunity to verbalize how changes are impacting them. The question may help them discover what they need as they answer, and give you both more context to know how to pray for one another.
It is not just technology that changes. Jobs change, kids grow up, friends move, and our health ebbs and flows. As a mom of adult children, what I need from Chris is very different now than when they were small. As we go through seasons, we are all shaped and molded, so it makes sense that our needs and desires toward those closest to us would evolve, too. Take some time and have periodic conversations to keep you in sync with those you love, and avoid letting assumptions create a disconnect.